It’s that time of year again. That glorious time when all the loser fans of loser teams receive the greatest gift anyone could ask for. Hope.
Hope in the form of children poised to make millions playing a game that causes brain damage potentially being that missing piece, that one extra push, that gets the colors you love to that highest of highs. It’s a fantasy. A fairy tale. A story we tell ourselves to distract from the monotony of our everyday lives and the sad truth we know deep down. Our team stinks. This will not be the answer to the holes in our rosters, but for this beautiful weekend in April, it is exactly that. The NFL draft kicks off this Thursday night and runs through Saturday. As a Vikings fan, this is my super bowl. Mostly because they will never win one. This is all I have. Some ground rules. I will not be making trades. None. It is 1 through 32, as is. I will, however make one promise. You will hate who I pick for your team. That is a guarantee. Let’s go.
Pick 1: Arizona Cardinals – Kyler Murray QB Oklahoma
I know I mentioned losers before but good lord, this is the king of loser mountain. This team has so many holes they could have all 32 picks and they would still be trash. With that in mind, the pick has to be the most important position in the game, quarterback. Like his predecessor and not so secret love of mine, Baker Mayfield, Kyler Murray balled out at Oklahoma and just like the aforementioned stud, he will go number one to those pathetic desert dwelling simpletons.
Pick 2: San Francisco 49ers – Nick Bosa DE THE Ohio State
For my former place of residence, no not some peasant who lives in Santa Clarita (what a joke it is they play there) the 49ers bolster their defense with the brother of Chargers star pass rusher Joey Bosa. With his constant and public voicing of his far-right views, I can think of no better place for the younger Bosa than the Bay Area. I can picture it now, rolling down Market, the sweet smell of weed in the air, a Pride Parade intersecting down Van Ness, a quick stop at the Museum of Modern Art display on immigration and its impact on America then it’s off the Pressidio to yell at hippies about global warming being a conspiracy created by Al Gore. Just a day in the life of San Francisco’s newest addition.
Pick 3: New York Jets – Josh Allen EDGE Kentucky
Not to be confused with the uber tall, future Hall of Fame quarterback for the Buffalo Bills, this Josh Allen, while also tall, resembles him in name only. I realize that Kentucky is not known as a hotbed of NFL talent but there was no one better in the SEC last year coming off the edge then Josh Allen. He provides the Jets with a need and also happens to be the best player on my
board. Win, win.
Pick 4: Oakland Raiders – Quinnen Williams DT Alabama
What the Raiders need is, well, a lot. They decided to spend all of their money on that fossil Jon Gruden instead of paying Khalil Mack and are now desperately in need of a pass rush. I don’t fault them for this one bit. Anytime you can pay a past his prime, out of touch, hard headed, old school coach $100 million instead of ponying up for the best edge rusher in the game, you have to do it. 12 out of 10 times. While Williams plays the interior he is easily the best upfront prospect available and would immediately improve that pathetic excuse for a pass rush. If he is still available here, no chance he slides any farther.
Pick 5: Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Ed Oliver DT Houston
Speaking of dumpster fires, the Bucs are on the clock and with their baffling desire to move on from All-Pro defensive tackle Gerald McCoy they find his replacement in Oliver. While there are some off the field concerns, character wise, he hasn’t punched any women that I am aware of so I don’t really care about that. Guy is a mammoth human being and a much cheaper option over the next few years.
Pick 6: New York Giants – Greedy Williams CB LSU
While there is no reason they should be looking anywhere other than quarterback, the Giants
stay “Gianting” and grab the best corner in the draft instead. When you have a position of glaring need and opt for a DB instead we call that pulling a Mike Zimmer. It’s worked out well for him and all his Super Bowl rings so no reason to deviate.
Pick 7: Jacksonville Jaguars – Montez Sweet EDGE Mississippi State
After the Jaguars foolishly moved on from the greatest quarterback to ever put on the teal
and..whatever, and signed BDN to man the position they are no longer in the signal caller
market. Instead, the Jags pull the trigger on the best edge rusher still out there with Montez
Sweet. Fills a need and even if it didn’t, you can never have too many premium pass rushers.
Wave those Jag Rags, Jacksonville faithful, that defensive is back.
Pick 8: Detroit Lions – Clelin Ferrell EDGE Clemson
I mean come on, does it really even matter who the Lions pick? LOLions.
Pick 9: Buffalo Bills – Jawaan Taylor OT Florida
The Bills stink. The Bills offensive line stinks. One of these things can be helped. They go tackle and keep our beautiful tall baby boy upright just a little bit longer.
Pick 10: Denver Broncos – Daniel Jones QB Duke
But Dwayne Haskins and Drew Lock are still out there, why go Jones? Because John Elway is a big dumb idiot and Daniel Jones is a big tall idiot. There is no other reason than that. He’s tall.
That’s Elway’s pick.
Pick 11: Cincinnati Bengals – Drew Lock QB Missouri
To those who may question why I would have the Bengals take a quarterback, my answer, Andy Dalton.
Pick 12: Green Bay Packers – Noah Fant TE Iowa
The Packers tried to get a tight end like Fant when they signed the corpse of Jimmy Graham.
Here is their chance to get an actual playmaker at the position. Plus, I hate the Packers and
went to Iowa so this feels like it has to happen. I have to pay for the life I lead somehow.
Pick 13: Miami Dolphins – Dwayne Haskins QB THE Ohio State University
Miami has finally moved on from the always hilarious Ryan Tannehill show and needs a new
franchise guy. As much as I love Fitzmagic and Jake Rudock, if Haskins is still here at 13 even
the Dolphins can’t screw that up. Until they do, of course.
Pick 14: Atlanta Falcons – Dexter Lawrence DT Clemson
I don’t care about Atlanta. Not even a little bit. They need a DT, they get one. I will waste no
more time on this zero of a franchise.
Pick 15: Washington Football Team – Will Grier QB West Virginia
Washington is owned by Dan Snyder. Dan Snyder is a bad human. He is basically the James Dolan of the NFL. No West Virginia quarterback has done anything of note in the NFL recently and following in the illustrious footsteps of the great Pat White and Geno Smith, Will Grier goes to Washington as the collective fan base sighs one, giant, meh.
Pick 16: Carolina Panthers – Jonah Williams OT Alabama
Cam Newton is awesome. Christian McCaffrey is awesome. Their offensive line is not. Now that they have left the burned-out carcass of Matt Kalil on the curb with a sign that says ‘FREE’ they can move on to a much more reasonable option.
Pick 17: New York Giants (via Cleveland) – Dalton Risner OT Kansas State
This may not be their actual pick but there is a 1 billion percent chance that the Giants come out of the first round, where they have 2 picks, with ZERO quarterbacks. Another year with that mouth breather Eli Manning. Brings a smile to my face just thinking about it.
Pick 18: Minnesota Vikings – T.J. Hockinson TE Iowa
If you actually read every pick before this and didn’t just scroll to your team to see what foolish name I gave your team in this fictional foray into nothing you will know that this is the most homer picks of all homer picks. The Vikings need offensive line help more than I need air, so why would I do this? Simple, they need a playmaking TE as well and Hock can do BOTH. He has the receiving skills of George Kittle and the blocking skills of Jim Kleinsasser. The guy gives them another offensive threat and acts as a 6th offensive linemen. Bears marvel at the way he
mauls dudes. He’s a beast and I love him and that’s the pick. Also, I really only did this so I could give my favorite player to my favorite team. I will not be phoning in the rest of these picks for completion’s sake. Enjoy.
Pick 19: Tennessee Titans – D.K. Metcalf WR Ole Miss
I have no idea what D.K. stands for and I cannot be bothered to look it up. The Titans need wide receiver help and D.K. is a beast. K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Stupid.
Pick 20: Pittsburgh Steelers – Devin Bush LB Michigan
It’s insane that Bush, the best linebacker in the country, is still available here at 20. You could
say I forgot about him and I’m too lazy to go back and adjust all my picks to make it right. You
could say that. You could.
Pick 21: Seattle Seahawks – Johnathan Abram S Mississippi State
After screwing over Earl Thomas the Seahawks need a safety, Abram is the best around and of course he falls to the worst fan base in sports.
Pick 22: Baltimore Ravens – Rashan Gary EDGE Michigan
Michigan may have gotten their faces stomped in by THE Ohio State again this year but that does not mean they were without talent. Gary can get after it, he helps them immediately. If I could have found a guy named Omar I would have taken him in a second, but sadly I couldn’t, so I say this with a heavy heart and even less actual context, OMAR COMIN! Felt cheap but I’m keeping it.
Pick 23: Houston Texans – Andre Dillard OT Washington State
The Texans might be the only team that had a worse offensive line than the Vikings. They seem committed to making sure Deshaun Watson has the shortest career possible. If they do not go
offensive line here, not only should Texan fans riot but football fans everywhere. It would be a
Pick 24: Oakland Raiders (via Chicago) – Devin White LB LSU
So, it seems someone may have had a blind spot for linebackers during this little exercise. No
matter. The raiders get a top 10-pick at 24 and Al Davis is looking up at them with pride.
Pick 25: Philadelphia Eagles – Josh Jacobs RB Alabama
FIRST ROUND RUNNING BACK! This roster is still frustratingly stacked and I guess they could use the help in the backfield.
Pick 26: Indianapolis Colts – Marquise Brown WR Oklahoma
Give that flip phone totin’, civil war vet lookin’, weird voice havin’ quarterback a weapon.
Pick 27: Oakland Raiders (via Dallas) – Byron Murphy CB Washington
I have to say I am getting pretty tired of picking players for this soon to be Vegas bound
franchise but these are the rules I have set forth. They need a corner, they get one, a good one.
Chucky would be pleased.
Pick 28: Los Angeles Chargers – Deebo Samuel WR South Carolina
I’m sure you think I only took Deebo here because his name is Deebo and yeah that played a
role but also the Chargers could use another wide out and he is a very good one.
Pick 29: Seattle Seahawks (via Kansas City) – Deandre Baker CB Georgia
Seattle takes Earl’s replacement and Sherman’s replacement. On their way back to having that vaunted defense we all remember and keeping me angry as hell about it in the process.
Pick 30: Green Bay Packers (via New Orleans) – Cody Ford OL Oklahoma
The Packers need a tackle, Ford played tackle in college. He is probably better suited as a
guard in the NFL but I hate the Packers and this is who they get in my fantasy. Can you tell I’m
running out of steam?
Pick 31: Los Angeles Rams – Brian Burns OLB Florida State
They made it to the Super Bowl. They get another good player. That’s it.
Pick 32: New England Patriots – Montana Jackson FB University of Phoenix
Yeah, I made that name up. That guy doesn’t exist. And it really doesn’t matter does it? The
Pats could draft anyone, no one, and they would still win the next 3 Super Bowls. Damnit, now
I’m angry. But seriously, the Pat’s will draft Hakeem Butler, WR, Iowa State. They are shallow at the receiver position and will look to solidify at end of first round.
If you did not like who I mocked to your team I just want you to know it was because I hate them. It was personal and you have every right to be angry. Carry on.