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Harper Gets Paid, Finally Signs With Phillies

Signs Richest Contract In History of American Sports

It finally happened. Bryce Harper has signed with the Philadelphia Phillies for a reported $330 million over 13 years. No opt outs, no differed money, no trade clause.

If you’re a Phillies fan, this is an incredible moment. Just think, after a full day of screaming profanities at middle schoolers, in between bites of your fourth cheesesteak, you clean your Cheese Whiz stained fingers, check your prepaid and see the glorious news. Bryce Harper is now a Philadelphia Philly! 

First Rocky, then Nick Foles, now this? What a time to be a resident of the City of Brotherly Love. Sure, Bryce will be 39 years old and still making around $25 mil, but that’s a future problem. Even though his former city embraced him, loved him, desperately craving the return of his affection, I’m certain things will be different here. No way he calls your beat writers clowns or your closer tries to choke him. I’m certain that when he starts the season 0-14 the patient, rational and appreciative fan base won’t attempt to brain him with a Duracell. That’s just not the Philly I know. 

Harper will join a lineup that has also recently added prized catcher J.T. Realmuto, someone else with a long history of winning. These two shiny new acquisitions will hit in the middle of a now extremely potent order. With the ghost of Andrew McCutchen setting the table, the sky is truly the limit. 

Sure, they could use another starter but who cares! With a solid bullpen and 33-year-old former White Sox great Dave Robertson there to slam the door, this is looking like the team to beat in the NL East. That is, of course, if you forget the Braves exist with their uber talented young core of cheap position players and seemingly endless supply of major league ready arms. This will just make that inevitable wild card play in game all the more sweet. I couldn’t be happier for the great fans of Philadelphia. Bryce Harper is exactly what that city deserves. 

Written by Josh Hans

Josh Hans is a contributor to The Schpiel.

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