The greatest Chad the Senate has ever seen was in rare form at National Harbor amongst his people

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) is the Senate’s most virile man. He went Full Super Saiyan during the Brett Kavanaugh hearings, showing his true power levels, and there is no going back. The transformed Mr. Graham appeared at the Conservative Political Action Conference in National Harbor, MD today to address thousands of right-wing activists.

“I’m from the federal government, and I’m here to help you,” Graham quipped to start his speech to raucous applause – paraphrasing the old Reagan line for his opening zinger.

In true Chad fashion, Graham defended our President’s foreign policy achievements. Graham made the point that Trump’s kicking ass all throughout the globe and that is why North Korea and Taliban are at the peace table.

Graham also referenced the Kavanaugh debacle that prompted him to start chugging vials of super male vitality to start each day. He claims that Trump got Kavanaugh through his Supreme Court nomination because he’s “tough” and that the GOP “having his back” is rare for politics and a real life example of Trump “draining the swamp.”

“I was never more proud of President Trump than I was during the Brett Kavanaugh hearings. They tried to destroy him and it blew up in their face,” he said – adding that if the Democrats didn’t learn a hard lesson from that fiasco, they would learn it for sure in 2020.

Graham also talked about the deceptive Chinese and their frequent attempts to steal American ideas. He says that as Chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee, he will put these sneaky snakes in their place using the full power at his disposal.

“Nobody’s stood by Israel better than Donald Trump,” Graham said to a standing ovation. “Nobody! Four more years!” To close his brief speech, Graham said: “The best is yet to come! God bless you all!”

Sen. Graham was said to have abbreviated his speech because he had several eager-to-please nubile co-eds wetter than a Carolina Hurricane backstage spread eagle in his dressing room waiting for his sweet and tender yet powerful touch. The bachelor is known to satisfy the ladies at a pace that would exhaust even President Trump. The CPAC conference continues until Sunday.

Written by Joshua Finkelberg

Joshua Finkelberg is a contributor for The Schpiel.


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