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Jeff Sessions: The Quintessential Republican Coward

Sessions is being applauded by Democrats right now because he failed his country as Attorney General

Nobody in Trump’s administration was a bigger disappointment than Jeff Sessions. He finally resigned yesterday as Attorney General, and the Democrats have already lionized him into a hero for the resistance because he allowed his boss to be continuously undermined at the behest of the deep state.

“It is abundantly clear that Sessions was forced out for following the advice of ethics lawyers at the Department of Justice and recusing himself from the Russia probe, and for failing to bring about an end to an investigation that has produced multiple indictments and convictions and may implicate the President or others around him,” Rep. Adam Schiff (R-CA) said.

“I’m concerned that President Trump made this decision based on his fear of being implicated by Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election and frustration with Sessions’ recusal from that investigation,” Sen. Corey Booker (D-NJ) said.

Although Sessions was a Christian conservative drug warrior, the Democrats are willing to let that slide because he came through for them when it counted. Instead of using his power to stop institutional corruption, he recused himself and protected the deep state at every turn. A career politician in Alabama for many decades, Sessions showed he shared the values of the swamp and received a round of applause from them as he left with his tail between his legs.

We can speculate as to why Sessions behaves like such a weasel. Perhaps he has attended some pizza parties with the likes of Hillary Clinton and John Podesta. Perhaps his life-long crusade against homosexuality was due to him being deeply closeted. He certainly looks light in the loafers. All it would take is one incriminating photograph to put Sessions in the pocket of the deep state for life.

These possibilities could be the case, but it is more likely that Sessions is just a weak, spineless coward. A man who joined government because it was easier than getting a real, honest job. The type of man who the Founding Fathers would have spit on – if they didn’t choose to tar and feather the sad sack like they did to so many of the tyrants in their day.

Matthew G. Whitaker is the temporary replacement for Sessions. He is a buff, hulking figure with balls roughly triple the size of Sessions’ little elf testicles. It is possible that Whitaker may use his authority to bring Trump’s Russia witch hunt to a prompt close.

It is hard to fathom that Whitaker could do as poor of a job as Sessions. Sayonara, Magoo!

Written by Joshua Finkelberg

Joshua Finkelberg is a contributor for The Schpiel.

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