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Jeff Sessions: Based Family-Separating Chad?

We all thought that Sessions was a mega cuck, but a recent report indicates we may have him all wrong

Former Attorney General Jeff “Mr. Magoo” Sessions was seen as one of the primary cucks holding the Trump administration back before he got the ax, but that may have been fake news as it was revealed that Sessions started the family separation policy at the US border with Mexico.

Chief of Staff John Kelly, who will depart from his post at the end of the year, explained that Sessions was in fact the based Chad mastermind who separated families.

“What happened was Jeff Sessions, he was the one that instituted the zero-tolerance process on the border that resulted in both people being detained and the family separation,” Kelly said to the Los Angeles Times.

“He surprised us,” Kelly added.

Although Sessions was the brainiac behind the policy, a Trump official noted to The Hill that globalist Homeland Security (DHS) Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen took most of the blame in the press. She was the perfect hapless fall girl for Sessions’ Machiavellian scheming.

“She is a good soldier; she took the face shot,” the anonymous official said.

“No one asked her to do it, but by the time we could put together a better strategy, she’d already owned it,” the official added.

According to a report from the Government Accountability Office, DHS dropped the ball in terms of implementing the policies. Nielsen’s total incompetence caused a serious lapse in border security, preventing Sessions’ master stroke from working as intended.

“Unfortunately, the number of families crossing the southwest border illegally is increasing. This means that there may be a proportional increase in cases where adults are separated from children due to concerns about parentage or the adult’s criminal history,” DHS spokeswoman Katie Waldman said.

Editors at The Schpiel would like to officially rescind all previous negative reports on Sessions, including but not limited to references toward his shrunken elven testicles. It is now confirmed that he is a based family-separating Chad playing 8D chess on the globalist enemies of mankind. Jeff Sessions/Kanye West 2024!

Written by Joshua Finkelberg

Joshua Finkelberg is a contributor for The Schpiel.

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